Psychic Vegetable

Sometimes, in order to make yourself stand out in a crowd, you need to offer something different than the rest.

Sally Morgan achieves this effect by introducing post-death sex changes into her Genuine Psychic Routine©.

Uri Geller demonstrates his godly powers by carrying out the useful, and potentially life saving, function of bending nothing but common household utensils. Actually, I'm wrong. He only bends spoons. Spoons which he selects prior to a show. Spoons which no-one else is allowed to interfere with. But he's Genuine© too.

So when someone comes along saying that they can read vegetables, you know that you have to take their claims seriously. 

Jemima Packington discovered a gift for fortune telling while cooking one day in the family kitchen. She successfully predicted that if the vegetables were placed in an pot with sufficient water covering them, and the oven to cook them in was sufficiently hot enough, that these vegetables would form something called a "stew". The result was breathtaking. A fully formed stew appeared in that pot. 

What Jemima did not predict was that the stew tasted crap. And the family let her know in no uncertain terms. But she was onto something. She felt it in her bones (they always do). 

Much time was spent in the greengrocers over many months finding the perfect vegetable. All of her predictions were 50/50 at best and sometimes worse. They were all scarily close to the psychics arch nemesis... Doctor Confirmation Bias. The thing was, none of these vegetables harnessed her energy properly and were prone to error. 

One family gave their house away on the roll of a tomato for example.

Another person left their job because of a cucumber (unfortunately their now 'ex-boss' had to spend days in a special unit having it removed... the less said about that eh?).

Disappointed with her efforts she went back to making crap stews and coming up with these crazy predictions that the sun would come up tomorrow and that plants might grow given sufficient sunlight, water and soil. Scarily, these predictions continued to come true much to the astonishment of scientists and sceptics across the world.

The thing was, there was already another generic vegetable making psychic predictions on the scene: Russell Grant.

Jemima needed a special vegetable. One which would tap into her powers like no other. One day, after visiting the greengrocers just after closing time, she was ushered into the back room where the greengrocer opened a special briefcase. In this briefcase the magical asparagus was revealed in all its glory. He handed over the legendary Asparagus officinalis with all of the sacred rites and rituals that were required and handed down through generations. 

No other person in history had managed to contain it's phenomenal power. Somehow, it seemed that this particular greengrocer and Jemima were destined to meet. 

She now wields this sacred vegetable like no other.

She can even make them levitate!

Her success rate in predicting the future as a result of using this magical grocery item is phenomenal. It's just we only tend to hear about those predictions after they have happened. 

Many stories have been put forward as to why this is and the most commonly held theory is that the Asparagus contains such energy that when bonded with a formidable psychic mind (like Jemima's) it puts her into a deep silence until AFTER an event has happened. 

Do not trust those with tarot cards. Do not trust those who bend spoons. When your life is down the shitter, there is clearly only one way to know what the future holds. 

And especially do not trust these charlatans!!!

On a more interesting note, I was able to obtain a quote from Jemima via my spirit guide Dailus Mailus:

Jemima told me that the current MP for Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath is clearly a Gordon Brown lookalike and that the efficacy of the Asparagus' psychic con trick woo woo magical powers remains unabated.

Feel the force people... feel the force.